Merlin: All hail the Great Slash Dragon

So, there's this show called Merlin and it's mostly made for kids. It's a rewritten Smallville set in a rather anachronistic Middle Ages where everyone bathes and Prince Arthur doesn't have songs written about him because he gloriously slaughtered several thousand people and then slept with his half sister. Guinevere and Merlin are servants, Morgana is the King's ward, Prince Arthur is the same age as Merlin and there's enough HoYay! to please even the biggest Smallville fan pining for the days of Michael Rosenbaum. By making all the characters friends and the same age, the show has managed to spawn an extraordinary amount of slash and shipper fan fiction; culminating in the dubbing of the dragon the "Great Slash Dragon" due to his frequent slashy pronouncements, such as "the half cannot hate that which makes it whole!".

The re-imagining of the Arthurian mythology doesn't bother me because the story has been so reworked over the past 1000 years as to be completely unrecognisable from the original and our definition of a hero has changed significantly since then (which explains why the raping, maiming, and pillaging is gone). The first season was also very enjoyable in a vaguely naff way and had a kick-ass season finale where Merlin kicked far more butt in one episode than Clark Kent has in 9 seasons of Smallville.

But season 2 has just started in the UK and the writers seriously need to pick up their game if they want to build on the positives from Season 1. Firstly there's been no pay off from the developments in Season 1. After such a great season finale, we should have seen some recognition of the journey the characters took in the last season. Instead the writers hit the reset button and created a new set of Season 2 characters: 'Merlin the Coward', 'Arthur the Idiot', 'Gwen the Fickle' and, most tragically, 'Morgana the Mysteriously Absent'.

Episode 1 seemed to have been written by slash fan fiction writers (oh look, Arthur has his shirt off again!) and took the characters' development back about 15 episodes (quite a feat when there's only been 13). When an 8 year old can pick the plot holes you've got to worry. The general consensus of all ages was that episode 2 was unbearably dull and consisted of long boring jousting scenes punctuated by painful conversations between Arthur and Guinevere. Not like episode 4, which contained long boring scenes of people being fed to CGI ROUS' (where's the Dread Pirate Roberts when he's needed?) punctuated by painful angst-ridden emo looks of anguish between Gwen, Lancelot and Arthur, all of whom incidentally have far more chemistry with Merlin than with each other. Hence the HoYay!

The bright spot in the season so far was Morgana's day out in 'The Nightmare Begins', an otherwise excellent episode marred by the very unwelcome appearance of 'Merlin the Coward'. Merlin decides not to tell Morgana his secret because....well... it was in the script. Merlin and Morgana had so much chemistry in this episode there are significantly more Merlin/Morgana shippers today than yesterday.

Pick it up guys. I, and a whole of heap of other children of all ages, will be watching. At least for a little while.

Homoeroticism, Yay!
Enjoy all the HoYay! fun with these great YouTube videos.
Warning: contains slash and inaccurate editing.

'One Way or Another' Arthur is going to get Merlin

Merlin's never gonna give Arthur up in this MerlinRoll!

Merlin and Arthur are all about Love, Sex and Magic, in this video with the classic comment, "How many sex faces can they possibly pull in a single series?", the answer to which of course is "many more, at least until Colin Morgan learns to portray pain without it looking like orgasm".

They 'ship themselves really. Merlin: where everyone has Hungry Eyes

Arthur's 'Already Gone' in this tribute to the Season 1 finale

Some serious Snow Patrol angst in this non-slash tribute to friendship, which bears a striking resemblence to slash.

Someone should have told the editor of this very serious Merlin video that this song is about sex...

Holidays are for drinking games

Having been stuck on a tropical island in a dust storm and being reduced to the Stargate SG1 drinking game, I thought I would republish the rules. They're here.

Stargate SG1 drinking game

Take one drink anytime:
Jack says, "Fer cryin' out loud."
Jack says, “Bad example”.
Teal'c says, "Indeed."
Teal'c raises an eyebrow
Jack cuts off Sam in the middle of her technobabble
Jack mispronounces a technical or alien word
Someone makes a Wizard Of Oz reference
Jack and Daniel get into an argument over civil rights (Two sips for “But Jaaacck”)
Something splats against the gate's iris
A beautiful female alien falls in love with Daniel
One or more of SG1 gets shot (includes zats)
Jack makes a smart-ass comment to someone holding him prisoner or at weapon-point
Hammond uses the Red Phone
They start the Gate Self Destruct mechanism
Sam cries
Daniel speaks one of his ‘23/27 languages’
Someone says ‘Jaffa kree’
Someone says ‘Shal'kek nem'ron’ or ‘I die free’
Someone says ‘unscheduled offworld activation’ or variation thereof
Jack mentions fishing and/or his pond
Fraiser shines a light into someone’s eye
Daniel says “I have no idea” or “I don’t know”

2 drinks whenever:
The technician says ‘Chevron 7 LOCKED’
Silar gets injured and is then seen being patched up in the medical bay
SG1 walk through the gate armed to the teeth and Daniel says “we’re peaceful explorers”.
Daniel gets so excited about his explanation for something that he becomes incomprehensible
Daniel receives a "fatal" injury i.e. dies, nearly dies or they think he’s dead
Someone jokes about how Daniel always dies and/or they don’t believe he’s dead this time
Someone ascends or changes into an ascended being
Daniel loses all his clothes

Drink the whole nip when:
The point of the entire episode is that Daniel is always right

Why don't Australians watch sci/fantasy?

Is it because it's too intelligent and the average TV watcher isn't smart enough? Is it because it takes too much work?

Join the discussion over at The Tribal Mind.

Chuck me Tuesdays: Chuck versus the Imported Hard Salami

Score: A
So in this analogy, does that make Bryce a smuggled penis?

Continuing the “everyone around us has something to hide” theme, Chuck is ordered to investigate Lou’s smuggler ex-boyfriend with predictably disastrous results. Bryce comes back into his life in a somewhat unexpected fashion.

Anyone who has over-achieving friends will know the affect they can have on your ambition. In the under-achieving world of Buy More, Chuck is the man they all aspire to be so if he’s on to his second hot girlfriend then…Morgan decides to pursue romance with surprising (if eventual) success. Lester’s attempts are slightly less accomplished but much funnier. Sarah is moderately awesome.

The good
The scene in the sandwich shop helps us understand why two awesome chicks would be interested in a computer repairman from a retail store and the scene between Lester and Sarah in the Weinerlicious was great.

The B(uy More) Plot was enjoyable mostly due to Julia Ling as the criminally-underused Anna Wu.

But most of all, Chuck delaying their torture by using his flashes to turn the bad guys against each other shows just how intelligent he can be under pressure.

The bad
The writers follow up last week’s contrivance with a contrivance in the “timer” on the “bomb” that doesn’t actually make much sense if you think about it because, when the timer finished counting down, wouldn’t Bryce die of oxygen starvation?

The Chuckalicious
Smoking. Hot. Kisses. And two of them. I mean, in the list of best TV kisses, Chuck and Lou should rank in the Top 10 but Chuck and Sarah are Top 3 at the least. Excuse me for a minute while I watch it again…

The geekalicious
"He had me at pastrami." Hah!

Chuck me Tuesdays: Chuck versus the Truth

Score: A-
Chuck is enamoured of the adorable Lou (played adorably by the adorable Rachel Bilson) but how to woo the sandwich maker when you have a fake girlfriend? A fatal truth serum, fake sex life, nuclear codes, and a tiny Russian gymnast all feature in Chuck’s battle with the truth.

The good
Once again, Chuck's natural heroism comes to the fore. Faced with the seemingly-inevitable death of himself, Sarah, Casey and Ellie he doesn't hesitate for even a microsecond before giving the antidote to his sister.

Rachel Bilson is adorable in the role of Lou and she and Zachary Levi have a natural chemistry. The writers also resisted the urge to make her a spy, which was very welcome.

Ellie doped up on the truth serum was so funny it's a shame that Sarah Lancaster has to mostly play the part as the straight guy to Awesome's comedy routine.

The bad
Contrivance [noun]: a device, especially in literary or artistic composition, which gives a sense of artificiality.

As a rule, truth serums are ridiculously contrived and this is no exception. And then there’s the fact that the plot relied on Chuck continually bellowing out everything the bad guy needed to know while he’s nearby (and that’s before he gets dosed).

There was a B(uy More) plot involved in this episode. I just can’t remember what it was. Yep, it was that important...

The Chuckalicious
Payne: “Who’s there?”
Chuck: “The NSA, CIA, and me! Which is a little harder to explain...”

Chuck: “God you're so pretty! And Casey, your jaw was chiseled by Michelangelo himself.”

The truth serum may have been a tired and contrived plot device but Zachary Levi was charming as a doped-up Chuck and got some great one-liners as a result. And the “fake breakup of our pretend relationship” was emotionally pitch-perfect.

The geekalicious
None. No, really.

Sick of the shipping or "burst the URST already"

As a writer and a TV watcher, I am extremely ambivalent about 'ships. Human relationships are a very natural thing to write about and when ships are done well they can keep people tuning in week after week...at least until they get sick of the soap opera.

But after watching some episodes of Castle (allowed to be mentioned in this blog because it stars sci fi/fantasy god Nathan Fillion - have I noted lately that they cancelled Firefly?) I declare myself officially over ships for ships sake. If, 20 years later, they're still comparing shows to Moonlighting, something is very very wrong.

The problem of course is not ships per se. The problem is that writers don't seem able to write good, believable, romantic relationships. Anyone who watched the painful decline of Lois and Clark after the writers decided that a romantic relationship meant their new combined IQs must be half their individual pre-relationship ones will know the awful truth that TV writers are unwilling or unable to write relationships. So we get the same tired old device of initial dislike combined with sexual tension, relationship development, relationship reversal, relationship rebuliding and the tired old treadmill of "will-they-won't-they".

Clark Kent and Lana Lang should have met, dated and broken up like normal people instead of making us endure 7 seasons of whiny emo angst; Mulder and Scully should have just gotten together in Season 6; after three years together, Max and Liz should have just bloody consummated; and if Chuck and Sarah are not a couple in Season 3 I think that, combined with the Subway product placement, might just make me turn off for good.

Even worse is when writers push a ship just because a show should have one and now we're back to Castle. If your characters have no chemistry, you should acknowledge it and move on.

So, I've decided to help TV writers by compiling a list of of good, bad ships and will-they-won't-they's that should remain will nots. Have I got it right? Let me know. Kyle and Amanda have, you will note, made both the best and worst lists after consultation with the brains trust. And Press Gang should be nowhere near this blog but I don't care: Spike and Lynda were the best ship of my adolescence (and possibly my adulthood should I ever have the courage to admit it). Oh, and Bones is so wonderfully ridiculous it deserves to be on the fantasy list despite its genre.

Best Ship
Spike/Lynda (Press Gang)
Mulder/Scully (X Files)
Tom Paris/B'Elanna Torres (Voyager)
Sarah/Chuck (Chuck)
Kyle/Amanda (Kyle XY)
Buffy/Angel (Buffy)
Apollo/ Starbuck (Battlestar Galactica)
Sheridan/ Delenn (Babylon 5)
Max/Logan (Dark Angel)
Sookie Stackhouse/Bill Compton (True Blood)

Should remain/have remained friends
Booth/Brennan (Bones)
Max/Alec (Dark Angel)
Doctor/Rose (Doctor Who)

Worst ship
Gwen/Captain Jack (Torchwood)
Gwen/Owen (Torchwood)
Castle/Beckett (yawn) (Castle)
Seven/Chakhotay (Voyager)
Baltar and Six (Battlestar Galactica)
Kyle/Amanda (Kyle XY)
Clark Kent/Lois Lane (Smallville)
Lex Luthor/Lana Lang (Smallville)

How right/wrong am I? Who have I missed Have your say below.