True Blood Recaps: Fangs, bangs and bongs

Only a few weeks after I rather presciently advocated watching True Blood, it has just started on Australian screens. For those of you about to navigate the textual EXTRAVAGANZA that is the new vampire show (and you know who you are), I could not begin to do the show justice like Television Without Pity's Jacob. His fascinating recaps on the show are on their website. Personally, I think he's far too kind to the character of Jason "I am my penis" Stackhouse but other than that, his recaps are pretty much the A+ he gives every episode of the first season.

The Recapper's Guide to Stargate SG-1

So, I was trying to do a Top Ten Stargate SG-1 list of episodes that I was possibly going to recap. It was too hard. So here's the Recapper's guide to Stargate SG-1. Thanks go to Wikipedia from whom I shamelessly ripped my episode descriptions.

Stargate: The film
Daniel’s dead, sir: Part 1
It was buried in the sands of Egypt. But it’s not anymore and we can travel through it to other planets! How cool is that? Plus, James Spader!

An interstellar teleportation device, found in Egypt, leads to a planet with humans resembling ancient Egyptians who worship the god Ra.

Children of the Gods (101 & 102)
It’s the beginning. Other than that: not much to say. (Did you know that Carter’s a GIRL!)

The Stargate Program is revived when Apophis, an alien of the same race as Ra, comes to Earth through the gate seeking hosts. Jack O'Neill and new SG-1 recruit Samantha Carter are sent to Abydos to locate, and bring back, Daniel Jackson.

O'Neill and Daniel befriend Apophis' first prime Teal'c, a Jaffa (one who is an incubator to a larval Goa'uld), and Teal'c joins their side. He helps SG-1 return to Earth, though they cannot save Daniel's wife Sha're and his friend Skaara, who have been taken as hosts.

Cold Lazarus (106)
The phallus tries to heal Jack O’Neill by finding him a son. Don’t blame the phallus; it’s just trying to survive. Oh, and it has Carter’s face. No, really.

By the work of a strange blue crystal, a duplicate of Jack O'Neill returns to the SGC in his place. When the real Jack returns, they locate the alien, who, they discover, was only trying to heal Jack's pain over the loss of his son.

Singularity (114)
I cried. ‘Nough said. Amanda Tapping kicks ass.

On the planet Hanka (P8X-987, ), SG-1 rescues a small girl who turns out to have had an inoperable Naqahdah bomb put in her by Nirrti to destroy the SGC.

Solitudes (117)
Ok, so it was probably made to save money on sets and extras but this little character piece is pretty darn powerful, mainly because Amanda Tapping kicks ass.

Carter and O'Neill are stranded on an icy planet when the Stargate malfunctions on their return journey to Earth.

There but for the Grace of God (119)
Everybody dies. Daniel lives. Am I watching the right show?

On P3R-233, Daniel finds a strange alien mirror and is accidentally transported into an alternate universe. Before he returns, he learns that Apophis will attack Earth in ships from a certain Stargate address.

Within the Serpent's Grasp (121) and The Serpent's Lair (201)
Listen to Daniel, Daniel is always right: Part 1.
Daniel’s dead, sir: Part 4.
You want Stargate, it’s all here. Goa’uld and running around mother ships and “Jaffa! Kree!” and Daniel dies and well, let’s just say, I suggest the drinking game.

SG-1 uses the Stargate to go to , the address Daniel discovered. This turns out to be Apophis' ship, where they find that Skaara has been made host to Apophis' son Klorel. The ship reaches Earth, and the fate of the world hangs in the balance.

Teal'c's former mentor Bra'tac joins their fight and together they embark on a mission of planting bombs to destroy Apophis' ship and halt the attack on Earth. Eventually they destroy the two ships and escape in Death Gliders.

One False Step (219)
A minor episode that most fans barely remember but that I enjoy. Daniel’s a goose and that’s always fun.

After a UAV crashes into a large white plant off-world (PJ2-445), SG-1 encounters inhabitants who appear to be dying en masse. SG-1 discover that the aliens depend on the large plants for survival because of an essential infrasound they emit, and rectify the situation.

A Matter of Time (216)
Between you and me, I LOVE technobabble.

SG-10 stranded on the planet designated P3W-451, which is close to a newly formed black hole. The SGC opens the gate to find out what happened, but they can't shut it down afterwards. Soon they realise that since the planet is near to a black hole, its intense gravity is causing time dilation, so if they don't shut down the gate very soon, it will destroy the SGC, and in time, the entire planet.

Forever in a Day (310)
The writers remember one of their characters has a life and move swiftly to rectify the situation. Bye-bye Sha’re “the porn star version”. You were miscast but hey, at least they remembered you existed.

After being found on P8X-873, Daniel's wife Sha're is killed by Teal'c to prevent the Goa'uld controlling her from killing Daniel. Jackson then starts seeing visions of a residual thought transferred to him by Sha're in the last moments - he must find her son, a Harcesis.

Maternal Instinct (320)
I love Daniel, you love Daniel, even powerful ascended beings love Daniel!

Daniel knows that the Harcesis is on a planet called Kheb; Bra'tac knows how to get there as it is the planet that the Jaffa believe to be the destination of their soul after death (P9C-292, ). They find a Zen monk who teaches Daniel about the ways of Ascension and an ascended being (Oma Desala) saves the child.

The Other Side (402)
Listen to Daniel, Daniel is always right: Part 2.

SG-1 travels to Euronda to help a technologically-advanced world of humans who are losing a war against an unknown enemy. Jack and Daniel fall out because Daniel believes they’re hiding something but O'Neill does not want to jeopardize their alliance.

Window of Opportunity (406)
Jack and Teal’c are the fruit in the loops in this episode where Jack’s breakfast says it all in less than 10 seconds. Consistently voted best Stargate SG-1 episode ever.

After an encounter with an Ancient time device on P4X-639, O'Neill and Teal'c get trapped in a time loop that only they know about.

The First Ones (408)
I love Daniel, you love Daniel, even Unas love Daniel! Meet Chaka for the first time and eat Goa’uld.

While helping with the excavation of fossilized Goa'uld on P3X-888, the homeworld of the Goa'uld and the Unas, Daniel Jackson is captured by the Unas Chaka. The rest of SG-1 tries to find him.

2010 (416)
In case you didn’t know that accountants were evil, meet the Aschen.

In an alternate timeline, Earth has defeated the Goa'uld with the help of the Aschen, a bland and humorless advanced people from an world designated P4C-970. Earth discovers too late that the Aschen plan to depopulate the planet by secretly sterilizing much of the population through life-extending drugs.

2001 (510)
Accountants are evil. Oh, and the Aschen are evil too.

SG-1 discovers an agricultural planet named Volia (P3A-194, ), whose inhabitants introduce them to their more technologically advanced neighbours, the Aschen, who propose an alliance with Earth. Sequel to season 4’s 2010.

Wormhole Extreme! (512)
Sci-fi shows are ridiculous. Let’s find out why.

When Stargate Command learns of a television show whose premise closely resembles its operations, SG-1 investigates. They find that an alien named Martin Lloyd is giving the producers their ideas.

Fail Safe (517)
“I saw this movie. It hits Paris.”

SG-1 must stop a rogue asteroid on a collision course with Earth using their Goa'uld cargo ship.

Menace (519)
I love Daniel, you love Daniel, even psychotic civilisation-destroying robots love Daniel!

The team finds an android that somehow managed to survive a Replicator attack. They learn she is the mother of all Replicators, but has the mentality of a young child.

Meridian (521)
Daniel’s dead, sir: Part 5.

Daniel incurs lethal radiation exposure when he prevents a potentially cataclysmic accident in a weapons laboratory on the planet Langara (P9Y-4C3). While the alien government responsible for the lab accuses him of attempting to sabotage their research, the Kelownan Jonas Quinn tries to negotiate with SG-1.

The Changeling (619)
I can’t snark. This episode’s great. Oh, and it has Daniel in it.

Teal'c finds himself jumping between different realities of Earth; one where he is a firefighter about to undergo an operation to remove a kidney.

Full Circle (622)
Jonas? Who’s Jonas?

Daniel contacts Jack O'Neill and tells him that Anubis has located the Eye of Ra, an enormously powerful weapon. SG-1 must get the Eye from Abydos, before Anubis. Anubis appears over the planet and threatens to destroy it.

Fallen (701)
Daniel. Naked. Oh, and other stuff happens too.

Daniel is found living on Vis Uban ("place of great power", P4T-3G6), a planet where the Ancients began building their greatest city when they were struck by a plague. Although Daniel has total amnesia, he helps SG-1 to destroy Anubis' superweapon.

Revisions (705)
Do you remember back when SG-1 had the budget to, you know, actually travel to other planets?

P3X-289 has a toxic atmosphere but there is a forcefield dome protecting an idyllic village. That is, idyllic except for the fact that its inhabitants are disappearing one by one without noticing it themselves.

Enemy Mine (707)
Listen to Daniel, Daniel is always right: Part 3.

SGC have found a planet with rich deposits of Naqahdah but the local population of Unas do not welcome the mining team.

Heroes Parts 1 and 2 (717&718)
Best. Episode. Ever.
Crap ending. No really, what was with those last 3 minutes? Why take an intelligent and insightful and emotional and bloody tragic piece of fantastic story-writing and drape the American flag over it? Best episode ever about them making what was apparently the worst documentary ever.

A film crew arrive at SGC to make a documentary but find their welcome less than enthusiastic.

Help is sent to rescue of an SG member who is unable to get to the gate. However, on the mission, a member of the SGC is killed.

The Lost City Parts 1 and 2 (721&722)
Space battles. Things explode. What more could you possibly want?

The SGC locates a Repository of the Ancients on P3X-439 and when Anubis attacks, O'Neill downloads their knowledge into his brain again. Finally, Bra'tac warns SG-1 that Anubis plans an attack on Earth. Hammond is replaced by Dr. Elizabeth Weir.

As Anubis' fleet arrives, SG-1 flies to Proclarush Taonas ( ), a planet with an Ancient outpost and a ZPM. SG-1 locate another outpost in Antarctica back on Earth, from where O'Neill is able to destroy Anubis' fleet using the Ancient weapon.

Prometheus Unbound (812)
Silliest. Episode. Ever. Ok, silliest episode ever until like the entire of Season 9. Suggest the drinking game – for at least four hours before you watch it.

The crew of the Prometheus are incapacitated and removed, except Daniel, when it is hijacked by Vala Mal Doran.

Citizen Joe (815)
If you feel you absolutely have to do a flashback episode (and you don’t, people, you really don’t), then this is best you could do.

An Indiana barber who carries the ATA Gene has his life ruined when, through an Ancient device, he begins to have visions of SG-1's missions. His life is given back to him when O'Neill informs his nearly-divorced wife of what had been going on.

Reckoning Parts 1 & 2 (816 & 817)
Daniel’s dead, sir: Part 6.
Amanda Tapping kicks ass.
But it all turns out ok in the end because of the phallus. The phallus will save us all.

Teal'c is preparing the Jaffa rebellion to capture the Holy planet Dakara, where the first larval Goa'uld implantation took place. Daniel is abducted by RepliCarter so she can discover the location of the Dakara Superweapon in his subconscious. Ba'al also moves his forces to Dakara by the order of Anubis.

Struggling with RepliCarter, Daniel halts the Replicators long enough for Samantha Carter, Jacob Carter, and Ba'al to use a combination of the device that dials every Stargate in the galaxy and the Dakara Superweapon to destroy all Replicators. But RepliCarter kills Daniel Jackson.

Threads (818)
The show’s been cancelled, right? Let’s wrap it all up. You know what that means? Yep. Daniel. Naked. Oh, and the Goa’uld are destroyed and the Jaffa are finally free or something. Don’t forget to worship the phallus.

Daniel Jackson must choose death or powerless Ascension whilst Anubis plans to end all life in the galaxy using the Dakara Superweapon – until Oma Desala stops him. Jacob Carter and Selmak are in trouble. Daniel is returned to human form on Earth.

Avalon (Part 1&2) and Origin (Part 3)
Oh crap, they've given us another season and everyone has resigned or taken maternity leave. Hey, bring back Vala. She's fun and annoys Daniel a.k.a our only surviving staff member. Claudia Black kicks ass, ridiculous outfit notwithstanding. Shave, Daniel, shave.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell is recruited by the SGC as leader of SG-1 but finds the original SG-1 has disbanded. Trying to find out how to bring them back together, Vala Mal Doran arrives with an artifact which could reveal an ancient treasure, and he finds this his only opportunity to reunite the team.

After passing all of the tests found in Avalon, the makeshift SG-1 discovers the treasure, along with an Ancient long-range communication device. Hoping to find actual Ancients, Daniel and Vala are given control of the bodies of two people in a distant galaxy. Although... it's not what they expected.

Daniel and Vala discover the Ori. The Ori, like the Ancients, are ascended beings, but evil entities that feel the need to be worshipped. Now that the Ori know of life in another galaxy, they begin to send their missionaries, Priors, through the Stargate. The first planet visited by a Prior in the Milky Way is P3X-421.

The Powers That Be (905)
Vala has met Daniel reincarnated and now her redemption begins. Claudia Black kicks ass.

In order to steer the planet P8X-412 away from Origin, SG-1 is tricked by Vala into going to the planet she previously ruled as a Goa'uld. The inhabitants of the planet know nothing of the downfall of the parasites, and they believe that Vala is still their god.

Prototype (909)
Listen to Daniel, Daniel is always right: Part 4.

SG-1 finds a man frozen in Ancient stasis on P3X-584, and brings him back to the SGC to find out his story. But when Daniel researches the laboratory where the man was found, he discovers that he was grown by Anubis to be a genetically advanced human.

The Fourth Horseman Parts 1&2 (910)
Struggling to find a decent episode in Season 9? This is pretty well it.

When a disease breaks out across America, evidence leads it to be the Ori's doing. Preparing to track down a viable cure, an old friend takes on an unfamiliar human form to help out, but it might not be enough when the team's adverse ally joins the Ori.

While Orlin is working on a cure for the Prior plague, Mitchell and Daniel capture a Prior offworld to further the research of the antidote. Teal'c tries to stop Gerak, now a Prior, from corrupting the entire Jaffa Council towards Origin.

The Scourge (917)
Yes, it’s a shameless rip-off of every “base under siege” horror film (and Starship Troopers of course) but they hung a lantern on it so we don’t care.

When a group of Earth diplomats go on a tour on the off-world Gamma Site research base, it is over-run with a carnivorous Ori-engineered “space bug” able to strip a human to the bone in moments.

Counterstrike (1007)
The phallus is out of control! Destroy the phallus!

Deadly battles erupt between the Ori, led by Adria, and the Jaffa, after 100,000 villagers are wiped out by a powerful energy wave that Adria believes was SG-1's doing. She captures Daniel and Vala and uses her powers against them to determine the nature of the weapon.

200 (1006)
Bwahahaha! An entire episode where every word out of everyone’s mouth is a sci-fi/SG-1 n in-joke. Fantastic! 10/10. Awesome. Actually, I think I’d better go watch it again…

Martin Lloyd contacts the SGC, looking for their assistance in writing a feature movie to follow up Wormhole X-treme, allowing the audience to see some of the team's most creative fantasies. It also marks Colonel Mitchell's 200th time through the event horizon, and is the 200th episode in the series.

Memento Mori (1008)
I love Daniel, you love Daniel, even Vala loves Daniel. Oh, we already knew that.

During a dinner out, Vala is captured by the Goa'uld Athena, where she attempts to pry memories out of Vala's subconscious during her time as a host. When things go wrong, Vala develops amnesia and goes on the run.

The Quest Part 1&2 (1010&1011)
I love Daniel, you love Daniel, even Adria loves...Baal? Oh, don't get me wrong. It's cool and Claudia Black kicks ass but otherwise? You need to watch it for Season 10 to make sense. Tell me what you think about my theory that Vala communicated her love for Daniel to Adria when she carried her. Hey, it's worth watching just for Vala's "Darryl?" line.

SG-1 continues its search for the anti-Ori weapon, whilst Ba'al appears to be one step ahead of them. They visit a medieval world where they have to pass a series of tests... which none have ever passed. Now SG-1 must team up with their enemies to find it.

The Quest continues for the anti-Ori weapon, with Adria close behind. Eventually they find Merlin, frozen in stasis. Because the first Sangraal was destroyed, Merlin starts construction of a new one, but when he appears to die it is up to Daniel to complete the weapon.

Bad Guys (1016)
Why do I like this episode? I don’t know. It’s just fun.

The team gates to a planet where they discover that the DHD is a prop in an exhibit, in turn, when they ask for help they appear to have come out of nowhere. Now SG-1's mistaken for hostage-taking rebels and they are forced to play the part in order to survive.

Unending (1020)
Remember the Asgard? Well, they’re dead. But whether you like this episode or hate it, “that’s it folks!” so it’s best to just go along for the ride.

The Asgard summon SG-1 to tell them that their experiments to halt their genetic degeneration have failed, meaning they are a dying race. Because of this, the Asgard have decided to give "everything [they] have and know" to the Tau'ri. When the Ori show up Carter puts up a time dilation field around the Odyssey to prevent its destruction.

Emo-puritanism in a pretty wrapper

As promised, I've written my review of Twilight. It can be found here.

Please feel free to comment. I know at least one person disagrees with me. I would be very interested in your opinion.

Torchwood farewell

It’s probably obvious to all my dedicated readers (who will now be sending me recommendations for a universal emoticon of sarcasm) that my enthusiasm for recapping Torchwood has waned significantly in the last year. While 2007 was characterised by a freezing Canberra winter and a number of dedicated Torchwood watchers (and recap readers) in my immediate vicinity, 2008 in the tropical North was nothing but blue skies, balmy days and barely a science fiction fan to be seen. I’m also studying full-time and have dedicated a considerable amount of time to my research.

Ultimately though, it’s the show’s lack of improvement that is most dispiriting. Torchwood is everything I dislike about the new Doctor Who bundled up into its own flawed and incoherent mess: an entire series of “Daleks in Manhattan, “New Earth”, “Gridlock”, “The Runaway Bride” and “Journey’s End” with never an “Empty Child”, “Doctor Dances”, ”Blink” or “Human Nature” to spare us from the interminable grind of monotony.

In a way, the sheer unapologetic awfulness of last season made recapping the show very easy. This season, the writers have welcomingly taken away the histrionic absurdity that made Countrycide so painful to watch and such a joy to recap but, instead of re-focusing that exuberance into the quality off-beat sci-fi dramedy Torchwood should be, the writers have replaced it with pure mediocrity. Season 1 was a clichéd jumble of sexual innuendo and cheap voyeurism designed to titillate rather than stimulate. Season 2 is just dull.

Plots are still contrived, relationships forced, characterisations confused and wooden, dialogue painful, and continuity poor. Watching John Barrowman hammily clunking his way through inconsistent drivel is bad enough. Being forced to see quality actors such as Burn Gorman and Naoko Mori marginalised in favour of the writers’ inexplicable love affair with the persistently-unlikeable Gwen is akin to a root canal without anaesthetic: a root canal with a manic dentist explaining how the procedure is all for our own good.

I’ve long maintained that a truly enjoyable recap can only come from a writer who either loves, or loves to hate, a show. At this point, I am neither and I think my delays and the quality of my work reflect this.

While I may decide to continue my recaps in the future for the simple fact that I hate to leave any work undone, I will be in no hurry to do so. The lack of commentary or feedback from my readers is certainly a factor in my decision. If you really do enjoy my recaps and want to read more, please let me know. Otherwise I can only assume you’re as bored with it all as I am.

Why Twilight is not just good prepubescent fun

Bella loves Edward. Edward loves Bella. Bella and Edward won’t have sex because sex is dangerous and evil. Welcome to Twilight, the latest in US-based religious extremism and neo-puritanism currently sweeping the world and making sure all your children are aware of right and wrong. Right of course being puritan morality and wrong being everyone who is different.

In some places, of course, Meyer’s New World protestant Puritanism is downright laughable (the evil and powerful Volturi live in Italy and try to dictate the standards of behaviour of all other vampires…um, do you think that could be the CATHOLIC CHURCH. Geez) but in others it is more insidious.

According to Stephanie Meyer, the apple on the cover of Twilight represents "forbidden fruit" (religoius imagery...how imaginative). The author openly states that she chose this to represent "the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil" from Genesis, which represents Bella’s temptation and her choice.

This is American (read United States) neo-puritanism at its worst. The idea that in the choice between good and evil, a nearly-adult’s consensual relationship with a boy ostensibly her own age could be portrayed as a classic morality tale on temptation is disgraceful.

In True Blood (and its PG-equivalent Buffy), Sookie the mind-reader chooses a relationship with a vampire in spite of (because of!) her inability to read his mind. This is the metaphor of the danger of sex: opening yourself up physically and emotionally to somebody who can potentially hurt you (he has quite literal fangs) when you are never sure what is happening in their mind.

In Twilight, Edward and Bella believe they can never have sex because she will be crushed. This is not a metaphor for the danger of sex or, as the writer says, for abstinence. The true puritan subtext is that sex between two consenting adults before marriage is akin to suicide, disease and death. This is one of the most disgusting messages I can imagine imparting to the young women in my family, many of will be in the grey area of negotiating their own sexual relationships in a few years.

The subtext is taken to horrific levels by book 4, where Edward and Bella finally consummate their relationship (after marriage, of course); an experience that’s described as painful and dangerous, resulting in extensive bruising on Bella’s body and, even more disturbingly, an unnatural pregnancy that nearly results in her death.

Sex and death may be linked in many art forms, but here Meyer has taken it to a new level. In the world of Twilight and beyond, sex is no longer like death, sex is death.

In a scene that is akin to the resurrection, Bella dies (as a direct result of sex in her human body) but is finally reborn, liberated from all this fleshy sin and disgusting bodily functions by being made into the perfect American aspirant: beautiful, forever young and wealthy. Of course, none of this happens by her own ingenuity, hard work or ambition. No, all this was achieved because a man swooped down and made it happen for her.

Bella loves Edward. Edward loves Bella. Bella and Edward’s love transcends physical appearances.

Not that Twilight buys into any undergraduate attempts at racism. Unlike the tired analysis of some commentators who concentrate on the roles of American Indians and African Americans in the text, Twilight is exclusive in the truly nasty sense of the world as it embodies the cultural-exclusiveness that has begun to underpin the powerful myth of the ‘American Dream’ and the more egalitarian Australian ‘Fair Go’.

Here we have the new, and more insidious, racism found, not in outdated accusations of anti-Semitism or the use of the word ‘nigger’, but in a society that is willing to accept physical differences as irrelevant just as long as the ‘other’ chooses to behave exactly like us. The Cullens embody this philosophy. They are the ‘other’: a different species defined, as most ‘others’ are, by their physical differences and their exotic attraction. We are, however, exhorted to accept them (and by extension Bella and Edward’s love) because, unlike others of their kind they choose to play by the rules.

This concept has been very well explained by Marcia Langton in "The politics of Aboriginal representation" entitled "Well, I heard it on the radio and I saw it on the television -- " : a 1993 essay for the Australian Film Commission on the politics and aesthetics of filmmaking by and about Aboriginal people. She quotes African-American writer Michelle Wallace who discusses the representation of African-American people in films and television and in particular the Cosby Show: "that blacks are shown as characters who possess 'positive' attributes of white culture, which are really the attributes of a hypothetical and impracticable absence (or commodification) of culture. 'Culture' is then reduced to a style of consumption...indeed the show seems to suggest...that no one is ultimately different, since culture is something you can buy at Bloomingdale's, a kind of wardrobe or a form of entertainment."

Meyer has adopted this philosophy wholeheartedly. The Cullens may look different, says Meyer, but so long as they live in a house, go to school, have jobs, and most importantly play baseball and have wealth then prejudice is unacceptable. Otherwise, it’s completely understandable. People are right to hate and despise vampires (read Muslims as the ‘other de jeur’, if you wish but you could just as easily choose Indigenous Australians), unless they choose to completely eschew any outward form of vampirism (you obey all the laws of the country but heaven forbid you want to wear a head scarf to school). This is the horrific flipside of the ‘American Dream’, where people from different cultures are only accepted if they stop behaving like they’re from a different culture.

Contrast this with the far-superior True Blood, which asks through the introduction of a wide-variety of complex characters, the extent to which a society should adapt to other cultures with which it comes into contact and the extent to which the other culture should adapt to mainstream society. True Blood doesn’t answer these questions because it accepts that the solutions are not self-evident. Twilight doesn’t even raise them. ‘We’ live the right way; ‘they’ must change or leave.

Of course, there is much more wrong with Twilight than I've outlined; namely its modern disgust of the human body (no, no Puritan antecedents there!), its blatant sexism (fortunately for my readers, a feminist analysis of the text could fill an entire book so I won’t) and the simple fact that Bella is shallow, vapid and self-absorbed. Because the entire series is in first person, this makes all Meyer’s other characters mere one-dimensional cardboard cutouts; ghosts of other people that flitter in and out of Bella’s vision as she walks myopically and self-centredly through life. Despite herself (I suspect), Meyer has actually managed to produce a new genre: emo puritanism. The cult of American individualism and distate for the physical...with beautiful cinematography.

Flash Gordon: So what if I was doped up at the time?

So, I have a confession to make. I recently had an operation and, while I was recovering with icecream, jelly and a truckload of painkillers, my brother rented Flash Gordon for me to watch. He said it was the perfect recovery TV show and I have to admit that I really enjoyed it. So, regardless of the effect this will have on my reputation (assuming I have one), I've written an argument as to why the show deserves a second season.

It's called, rather unimaginatively, Flash Gordon: Why it deserves a second season and can be found here.

You can choose whether to take my general anaesthetic and subsequent drug regime into account when assessing my analysis. But I say, so what if I was doped up at the time?

Flash Gordon: Why it deserves a second season

I’m increasingly ambivalent about what’s coming out of the SciFi channel and their decision first to remake and then to cancel their 2007/08 version of Flash Gordon is a prime example.

On the one hand, I admire the channel’s tendency to persist with a show that isn’t rating. When compared to networks like Fox, which infamously cancelled Firefly after 13 episodes, SciFi will always inspire some affection for honouring their commitments. Satisfactorily-resolving Flash Gordon’s main plot contributed significantly to my enjoyment of the season. And Stargate SG1 fans will always be grateful that they picked up the show after Showtime ditched it despite its solid ratings at the time.

On the other hand, there’s an increasing trend for their shows to be written to a formula, a criticism I recently levelled at their production of Sanctuary. While the webisodes had their flaws, they did have a freshness that, with each recurring episode of the SciFi version of the show, has been slowly stripped away. Last weekend’s season-finale part 1, for example, was incredibly poor.

It is this formulaic writing that led to Flash’s downfall yet the show is not beyond salvation and, considering the surprisingly-excellent main story arc, it deserves the opportunity. A few changes can redeem nearly everything that went wrong while retaining the things that made an otherwise poor-quality show highly-enjoyable to watch, namely one of the best-constructed arcs I have seen in years.

With only a few exceptions, each A plot in each episode of Flash built the arc to the overall conclusion; everything contributing to the plot, everything being relevant, every plot twist being well-flagged and every character development logical. Mongo became a coherent, believable, complex, multi-cultural society struggling with many of the same issues we are, while still retaining a mildly-enjoyable campness. On an albeit much smaller and less-complex scale, this was Babylon 5-inspired plot construction and while it’s obvious no one gave much thought to the rest of the show, least of all what to do with non-arc storylines, someone put a lot of thought into this. Considering the tendency of modern shows to eschew anything resembling internal logic or consistency (Torchwood, where the hell is that going anyway?), Flash deserves a second chance for this alone.

So, what went wrong and how do we fix it?

Unfortunately, there’s little anyone can do about the casting even if, by some chance the show does get renewed. While Karen Cliché is truly excellent as Baylin and was given superior character development as a result (the ass-kicker is over 30 and looks and acts like a mature woman, yay!), Gina Holden is woefully miscast as the one-dimensional Dale Arden. As well as looking as though a skeleton has walked from a grave and stolen someone’s skin, Gina has no sense of comic timing and frequently buried some of the best one-liners of the show. It defies logic why the writers kept handing her great punchlines when she merely stumbled over them to get to her next cue. Casual viewers of the show probably didn’t even know it had wit. While she and Eric Johnson have a nice dynamic, it’s more akin to people who dated in highschool and have forged a firm friendship as adults not people who are supposedly still in love. If sexual tension was what they wanted they bombed out and I’m probably not the only one who hoped Flash would hook up with Aura.

On the baddie side, I thought John Ralston was good as the redefined, more complex, Ming, but the show would have benefited from the kind of shivery charisma John Glover brought to Lionel Luthor in Smallville. Great bad guys should steal every scene, not merge into the background, and Ming regularly had his scenes stolen by Jonathan Lloyd Walker as the fascinatingly multi-layered Rankol. I was also surprised to enjoy Anna van Hooft’s Aura. Apart from a tendency to mince out of every scene as though she was on a catwalk, she did a good job.

That’s nice but what about the things we can fix?

First off, the use of an A plot, B plot structure. What is this, 1973? No one writes likes this anymore and the reasons are obvious. While the A plots of Flash Gordon are (Conspiracy Theory and Life Source notwithstanding) interesting, well-developed, cohesive and employ nice continuity to build to a very satisfying season conclusion, the B plots are lame, derivative and very obviously used to fulfil an actor’s contractual obligations for screen time. The perfect example of this is the otherwise-excellent ‘Sorrow’, which is marred significantly by the painful “comedy” of the Zarkov B-plot. So moved was I by the comparative leap in quality this episode demonstrated that I watched it again: this time with judicious use of the remote control. It was even better the second time round, particularly when my personal editing process removed Zarkov completely. The B plot of Infestation, where Dale tries to keep Nick alive at a wedding by being mean to him is another episode where “meanwhile, back on Earth” transcended dreadful and it’s no surprise that at this point many viewers simply turned off.

Secondly, the extensive Earth cast. What to do with them? Nobody knows, least of all the writers and certainly not the viewers. If you must have them use them more sparingly because nobody cares about Nick Gilmore cleaning cars or whether Dale’s boss wants to (rather understandably) fire her. And since killing Joe was very obviously an attempt to conveniently remove Flash's only sexual rival it rang cynically false. Better to not have introduced the character in the first place.

Finally, the special effects. With the amount of money saved on casting, you’d think they’d have more funds to put into special effects. While other parts of the production were fine (the lighting and camera work for Mongo in particular was very good) the special effects were laughably woeful and couldn’t even be redeemed by the “but it’s supposed to be a comic book” defence. All the women may be dressed to look like they’re in a bad harem movie and all the men from a gay nightclub floor show but that doesn’t excuse an audience yelling “fake!” at the screen for 42 minutes.

The point though, is that all of these things can be fixed but I fear audiences won’t care enough about the cancellation to start a campaign. While I hate to compare Flash Gordon to the far-superior Firefly, one should note that these are cancelled while other shows of similar or less quality are still on the air. It's a shame because I for one was looking forward to finding out what happens in Season 2.

Hopefully it involved Eric Johnson in more Dactyl outfits.

Apparently I'm not a 14-year-old girl

Is it just me or are vampires everywhere I look these days? In the last fortnight I've been exposed to the bizarre cult world of Twilight and all I can say after seeing the film and reading all the books is...watch True Blood. It's better. In fact, for its lush production, seventeen layers of subtext, ability to make you truly think (and its tendency to wander over into soft porn on occasion), I have dubbed True Blood the anti-Twilight.

And if you are stuck somewhere between self-absorbed teenage emo and adulthood remember the adage that almost always applies in these situations: BDID (Buffy Did It Better).

Torchwood 'Meat': Rating C

Meat Team Torchwood. They hunt aliens! They drop their weapons! They trip over their own feet! They’re the most famous secret organisation ever! Stay tuned for the exciting adventures of the Keystone Cops for the New Millennium!

Tonight on Torchwood: the most competent member of the team is a chubby, self-recruited haulage company owner and the writers try desperately to convince us that we should all love Gwen. And there’s something about vegetarianism or possibly bigotry; it’s hard to be sure.

It’s morning in that centre of mystical convergence known as Cardiff town and Rhys is on the road, rather adorably singing along to his company’s jingle on the radio. “You won’t be sorry with a Harwood’s Lorry,” he sings as the radio moves onto the news. His phone rings and we get “pretending there’s someone on the other end” acting as he tells “Ruth” that he wrote the last bit of the jingle. Ruth has more sobering news however and Rhys drives to the site of an accident involving one of his trucks.

He’s in shock as he talks to the copper in charge about the dead driver, who’s leaving behind a wife and baby, but recovers enough to ask if he can move the lorry. No, says Mr Police Officer (where’s Constable Cutie?) because apparently Torchwood want to have a look at the “suspicious meat” in the back of the van. Rhys protests that it’s “just meat” that was “on the way to the abattoir”. On the way to the abattoir? Shouldn’t meat be going from the abattoir, seeing as an abattoir is a “place where animals are slaughtered for food” and not “a place that receives the odd vanload of mysterious consignments of alien meat”? Note to Catherine Tregenna: a dictionary barely even counts as research.

So, in the Recapper Rewrite of this episode, the van was on the way to some sort of meat processing plant, such as the Caernarfon-based Cwmni Cig Arfon (internet, 3.5 minutes) when it crashed and some local police looked in the back and, being experts on meat [insert fellatio joke here], decided to call the most famous secret organisation ever to come have a look. And then my readers beat me to death for excessive pedantry and for actually using the word “fellatio”.

As the VOC pulls up slowly and silently (hey! I have a Corona here that’s getting warm people, what’s with the normal driving?), the gang get out and Rhys sees Gwen! OMG! “High” “drama” as the camera gives us a close-up on Gwen and then a close-up on Rhys’ shocked expression.

Flick flick flick...meanwhile over in Torchwood 1918, Harriet has mysteriously disappeared and while Tommy is off moping about his long-lost 21st century love and contemplating the transitory nature of human relationships, Gerald is having repressed 1918 flirting with a blood-sucking alien woman while trying not to think about his great loss and hoping the 1920s will roll round soon ‘cause they were rocking.

So, back in the van of smelly meat, Jack steps on it and says “no bones”. Now, if I were a total pedant, I mean, just theoretically if, if I was a pedant, I may take time out from this already-overwritten recap to note that since the meat has been, you know, cut up, it’s probably already been deboned. But I won’t. Anyway, Owen declares that it’s “like no flesh he’s ever seen”...while it’s still in its wrapping and he’s standing about 15 kilometres away...and the meat is wrapped up and sent back to Torchwood.

Outside, Rhys is keeping an eye on things just out of Gwen’s line of sight. Ianto mentions that the lorry belongs to Harwood’s and Gwen’s all like, “but that’s Rhys’ firm” and meaningful looks all round as the gang packs up. Rhys looks pensive and then tries to follow but is stopped by the police.

Back in the Hub, Owen “I’m just so bloody excited to have lines or am possibly on speed” Harper is running around the “autopsy bay of salmonella” frenetically confirming that this is indeed alien meat. Then he does an autopsy and performs an operation because there’s no point in wasting good bleach.

Gwen looks pensive and says the fact that it’s Rhys’ firm makes it all too close to home and Jack asks if she wants to stand down (yes, yes, please, yell members of the “Gwen must die” group, membership still 5 million in the UK alone) but Gwen says no. “I want to find out what’s going on,” she says, although I would have thought, “you need me because you’ve only got four members of staff and heaven forbid you should utilise the two scientists” would be more accurate.

Ianto hands Gwen a coffee (sip: I’ve just added ‘Ianto makes coffee’ to the drinking game) as the “Harwood’s Lorry” jingle is played from the internet. “Catchy,” says Ianto as everyone looks both embarrassed and amused at its glorious cheesiness. Umm cheese.

So, we’re in the plot stage of the story. Rhys involvement is the question of the day. Gwen says he couldn’t be. “He’s the most [stupid] man I know,” Gwen says. Tosh asks brightly if she has any more lines (oh, sorry, she asked if Gwen has “his direct line”. Understandable mistake).

Gwen gets the number, Jack looks pensive (dear God give me a synonym for pensive ‘cause before this episode is through I’m going to need it)...and over at Harwood’s Haulage the phone rings. A woman I’m assuming is Ruth tells Rhys it’s the police and Rhys looks... contemplative...before picking up the phone.

Much conversation ensues that I’m quite frankly too lazy to recap that establishes that (a) Rhys didn’t really know that much about what his driver was doing with his pickups, which makes it look like he’s involved and that (b) maybe I was slightly too harsh on the whole “abattoir” thing as it appears the Caernarfon-based Cwmni Cig Arfon call their operation an “abattoir and meat processing plant”. Because this is the most important part of tonight’s episode.

Hubwards, Ianto is looking through CCTV footage and finds the lorry as it drives past. Therefore (a) take a sip because they got what they wanted from CCTV and (b) note that they’ve even taken CCTV away from Tosh now. Bye bye Tosh. Nice knowing you.

Bizarre cut to the “autopsy room of Listeriosis” where Owen “I thought they were just aspirin” Harper eyes off the big hunk of meat [fellatio!] and then leaps back yelling “Jack! The scan shows it’s definitely alien meat!!!!

Jack looks...meditative...and asks where the meat could have come from. Tosh looks...thoughtful...and points out that if the meat was going to the processing plant (ok, mea culpa mea culpa) then it’s possibly in everything that contains processed meat and people have been eating it for months.

Owen “next time I need a pain killer remind me not to call my mother” Harper runs out of “the autopsy room of E.Coli 0157” and blah blah blah the meat is technically safe.

“Would you eat it?” asks Gwen, actually reminding me of a philosophical conversation I was having with someone just today about different culture’s “forbidden food” i.e. we eat pigs but would never eat horse, while some cultures might eat horse but would never touch shellfish. I was watching “Cooking in Dangerous Places” and the guy was eating a cat’s liver with rice, which is what triggered the conversation. It’s quite interesting, actually: someone should write a book.
And if you ever want proof of why you should never drink beer in a hot climate on an empty stomach just tender this recap. Where the hell was I?

So, as everyone contemplates the consumption of alien meat [fellatio!], Ianto chooses this moment to declare that the pizzas are here. Hopefully they retconned the staff from the pizza place about the whole dead delivery girl thing, otherwise alien meat in their pizza is probably the least of their problems. “What did you get me?” asks Owen and Ianto says, “usual, meat feast”. Then he blithely walks away leaving Owen contemplating his gastronomic fate.

Ok, hah! In the next scene, everyone is eating their pizza. Ianto, wearing a bib to protect his snazzy pinstripe suit (LOL), is delivering a briefing on the point of origin of the meat while Owen (ROFL) is pulling the meat off his pizza. Jack is once again speaking with his mouth full [no, I can’t, I just can’t, but the temptation is overwhelming] while he outlines the plan of action. As he’s blathering, Gwen gets a text that Rhys needs to see her and heads off home.

INTERMISSION

So, I'm back one week later and sans alcohol. Here goes... Gwen goes home to talk to Rhys. Their conversation goes like this:

GWEN: I’m pretending not to know about the lorry accident because I work for Torchwood and I’m still suffering under the delusion that this is “top secret”.
RHYS: I’m pretending not to know that you’re investigating the lorry accident.

Rhys follows Gwen to the Plas where she hooks up with Jack. She tells him Rhys doesn’t know anything about the meat. Gwen asks Jack if he’s ever eaten alien meat and what it was like. “He seemed to enjoy it,” answers Jack (Hey! That was my joke!) and they walk off laughing with Rhys watching suspiciously from the car.

So, meat processing plant, abattoir or possibly slaughterhouse: the gang are getting ready for their high-tech assault on the factory. Ianto and Owen are doing a perimeter check on the warehouse while Tosh is stuck once again back in the Hub. Anyway, they have blueprints of the warehouse but no intel whatsoever on how many people are inside. It’s called a stakeout, people. But I guess taking the time to find out what you’re doing would make for dull TV.

Rhys has followed Jack and Gwen out to the meat processing plant, abattoir or possibly slaughterhouse and has finally twigged that maybe Gwen is there for work purposes so he tries to phone her but she doesn’t pick up.

Jack outlines the plan: “You two take the sides, Gwen and I will go in the front. We don't want any casualties. We stun-gun whoever's in there and put a stop to what they're doing,” otherwise known as “bursting in blind and hoping it all works out alright in the end”.

And they burst into the warehouse and find it’s full of 20 fully-armed mercenaries who shoot them all dead. Hahahaha!

Rhys, currently engaged in what is often referred to as “an actual investigation”, gets out of the car, locks it, then walks toward the entrance of the factory.

“Let’s go,” says Jack and he and Gwen get out of the VOC, leaving the keys in the ignition and forgetting to lock it (and it’s hijacked by a couple of Welsh cannibals and they all get eaten hahahaha!), but quickly see Rhys standing in from of the building.

“What’s he doing?” asks Gwen.

Cut to front door of factory where Ianto says, “did you bring the alarm deactivator?” and Owen rather over-dramatically flourishes his gun and shoots the lock off. “Well, that’s one way of doing it,” says Ianto, forgetting to add where that was a lock, not the alarm, which is presumably going to go off as soon as they walk into the warehouse.

As a car pulls up in front of Rhys, Jack concludes he must be in on it. “Never, no,” says Gwen, “he’s too stupid to pull off something like this. I’m too insecure to be with someone who might be smarter than me. My belief in his stupidity is the only reason I’m interested in him.” Except she didn’t say that last bit. I made that up.

Jack tells Owen and Ianto to stand down as Gwen visits angstville about Rhys possibly being involved. She tries to run forward and Jack grabs her and swings her round and, oh god, I thought painful “up against a wall” scenes were consigned to Season 1. Also, still no sexual tension people. That was about as hot as a lukewarm cup of tea.

So, Rhys is taken inside the warehouse, which apparently has the same quality electrician as the Hub, where he successfully convinces the evil henchman’s 1 and 2 that his driver, Leighton, told him all about what was going on and that he wants in on the deal now Leighton is dead. They take him down the hallway of flickering lights to the warehouse ...of death...where some sort of gigantic alien sea cow (which I have now learnt is technically called a manatee so Torchwood has actually taught me something, go figure) is being held prisoner while they hack out its insides.

“What is it, boys?” asks Rhys and they say they don’t know but that it just keeps growing, no matter how much they cut it. Rhys promptly throws up and “evil henchman number 1” says he’ll get used to it.

Note to self: when you find something you don’t understand, chop it up and eat it. It’s the natural conclusion. One wonders how these guys worked out that (a) this thing’s insides were edible and that (b) it was self-sustaining. It seems all a bit random to me. But since someone from work complained yesterday that I “always need a reason for everything”, I should probably let it slide.

Rhys comes out shaking hands with “evil henchman number 1”, while Jack and Gwen watch from their usual successful hiding place of in plain view of everyone. Everyone leaves.
Back at their flat, Gwen and Rhys have a quite-well acted confrontation that nonetheless annoyed me because if this was a show where their genders were reversed the conversation would have gone like this:

RHYS: You lied to me!
GWEN: My work is classified, something you know very well, so if I’m in an ongoing investigation I can’t tell you anything about it.
RHYS: Good point, dear. What do you want for dinner?

Instead we get this long-winded thing about how their relationship can’t handle the lies and an accusation that she’s sleeping with Jack and a scarily-accurate query from Rhys about whether Gwen is just marrying him because he’s a habit she’s unable to break. Note to Rhys: der.

Oh and, what's so secret you can't even tell your own fiancé? As someone who works with confidential information (of an incredibly-boring nature but nonetheless) the answer to that question is pretty fucking obvious so why doesn’t she just say, “confidentiality agreement” instead of this bullshit about “protecting him” and blah blah blah. But oh no, in the world of Torchwood writers the idea that you can have some form of professional ethics and a uterus is impossible. Men star in shows where they have these secretive jobs all the time and their domestic lives are fine but apparently it’s only acceptable if you have a penis. If you’re a woman you must have domestic angst and it serves you right for not being barefoot and pregnant where you belong.

I really shouldn’t write these things sober. There’s a reason I invented the drinking game.

Anyway, Gwen then proceeds tells Rhys about the aliens and we have an absolutely hysterical conversation where Rhys is in shock and disbelief about the existence of aliens. So either he is as stupid as Gwen thinks he is, completely blind or insane. You know, like climate change sceptics.

“Aliens. In Cardiff??” says Rhys. Yes Rhys, aliens in Cardiff. You know like when there was that giant spaceship over London, and all those ghosts that turned out to be Cybermen, and the invasion of the Daleks and the flying replica of the Titanic that nearly hit Buckingham Palace and that Weevil you saw get chased through Roald Dahl Plas and...oh, you get the point.

Hubwards, the gang is having a conversation about Rhys finding out and how they’ll never be in that situation because they’re all single and Tosh is still moping over Owen, who is actually not so painful this season, and Jack is staring meaningfully at Ianto. How could they not know that Jack and Ianto are shagging? Apparently the power of observation is something lost on Torchwood as well as Rhys.

So, Gwen brings Rhys down into the bowels of the Hub and we actually see the pterodactyl for the first time this season. Rhys is all like “that looked so real” and Gwen is all like “because it is real” and Rhys is all like “but they’re extinct” once again proving my stupid, blind or insane theory. Introductions etc and then Rhys describes the alien in the warehouse. Gwen is doing some sort of bizarre proud parent routine, showing off her kid to the other adults.

Exposition, exposition, exposition: the creature lives in water, it came through the rift and beached itself, it was a lot smaller when they found it and keeps growing despite having chunks of meat cut out of it.

OWEN: So the protein chains regenerate despite the mutilation. So not only is it replenishing its own flesh but it's increasing it, giving them a brand-new meat supply.
GWEN: It will last them for years then.
TOSH: If we understood how it worked, we could feed the world.
IANTO: (brief pause) We could release a single.

Hahahahaha! Oh, how many times can we say that Ianto is the bright spot in a sea of darkness and confusion? What a cracker.

Jack brings them back down to Earth and reminds them they’re talking about the often-questionable quality of meat products in Cardiff. It’s good though that I can finally identify an ongoing theme in Torchwood episodes. Other shows might deal with morality, ethics, the nature of power and how we choose to wield it, epistemology and the construction of truth, the nature of reality, or the fragile nature of society and what we optimistically call civilisation. Torchwood’s main point is “don’t eat meat in Wales”. Maybe not profound, but probably good advice.

Then he blames Rhys for ruining their plans (Rhys, “I thought my fiancé was in danger.” Jack, “Well, Mr Caveman, she wasn't. She can handle herself.” Me, “it doesn’t matter how many times you say these things, Jack, it does not make it so”) despite the fact that he actually managed to infiltrate the organisation and is now in a position to gain proper intelligence about the operation that could potentially increase their chances of success. Rhys points this out to him in no uncertain terms finally ending up nose-to-nose with the Cap’n who declares the situation homo-erotic. (giggle). He calls a team meeting, Rhys included.

Planning in the BROFWWUMFE, domestic between Gwen and Rhys over his involvement (just repeat everything I said re previous conversation) and after much shouting they decide that Rhys is going to drive them in. Jack’s plan is to actually rescue the poor animal which, though logistically difficult, is a nice change from the highly-questionable morality he’s displayed since the show started. I’m surprised locking it in a cage and doing medical experiments on it isn’t on the cards.

“Tell me exactly how are we going to use it to arm ourselves against the future?” asks Tosh and I go, huh? Where the hell did that come from? When has that ever been the stated aim of Torchwood, apart from the opening credits? And how the hell do arm yourselves against an abstract concept of linear time? What’s going on?

Ianto says he’ll stock up on plankton and Owen notes that the creature will be difficult to house since it’s still growing. Jack says they’ll have to find a way to stop it mutating (mutating? Since when is growth mutation?) Ah, there’s that mob of readers come to beat me to death for excessive pedantry. Just a minute guys, just finishing off Act 3.

So there’s one of those painfully-contrived moments between Jack and Gwen where we’re once again exhorted to believe they have feelings for each other and we’re finally into the action.

Or not. Sorry, no action. No, instead we get yet another “I can’t handle intelligent women so have to completely undermine them” scene where Tosh, the brains and competence of the outfit contributes to this episode by looking longingly at Owen “plants really are my first love” Harper and making him a sandwich.

No really, what’s with Owen and his plants? He’s got like an entire hydroponics bay. Anyway, Tosh asks him if he wants a game of pool sometime and he says yes, mostly because he thinks she’s talking about the whole gang. She looks sad. I direct the writers to the last 40 years of feminism.

Speaking of feminism, scene with Rhys where he says he’s worried about Gwen’s dangerous job and she kisses him and then looks straight at Jack to see if he’s jealous. No comment.

Next day, Jack and Rhys are at Harwood’s Haulage where Ruth has made him a cup of tea and bought him a Danish. Serious flirting between Ruth and Jack that I really enjoyed. He can be so sweet and charming sometimes.

He should get his own show.

Having picked up the van, Jack and Rhys are driving to pick up the meat and having a conversation that goes something like this.

JACK: Gwen is great. Gwen is so competent. I love Gwen.
RHYS: I also love Gwen. Gwen is so great. She’s so competent. I’m slightly jealous that you also love Gwen but can’t really blame you.
JACK: No, after all, who wouldn’t love Gwen. Gwen is the best.
RHYS: The absolute best. If somebody doesn’t love Gwen they should.
JACK: Agreed.

Breaking news…

It may interest my readers to know that I have recently come upon documented evidence of a conversation that took place between Torchwood writers when they started preparing for Season 2. The following is a transcript:

Writer 1: So, Torchwood Season 2 huh? What’s the plan?
Writer 2: Well, we did have a slight problem with Season 1…
Writer 3: …because it sucked…
Writer 2: Yes, there was an alarming tendency for it to, as you so colourfully put it “suck”…
Writer 3: …and the storylines made no sense…
Writer 2: …and the storylines could perhaps have used a greater period of time in development; something that we’re determined to overcome in the…
Writer 1: …well, RTD said “if it was good enough for Buffy it’s good enough for us”. How was I supposed to know he didn’t mean me to take it entirely literally?
Writer 2: Yes, about the Buffy thing…
Writer 3: …and the characters you know, sucked…
Writer 2: …and spending some more time on characterisation may have lent a more coherent tone to the show, which, again, we will be putting significantly work into this seas…
Writer 3: …and we have to ditch Gwen.
Writer 2: Ditch Gwen? We can’t ditch Gwen!! She’s RTD’s favourite!
Writer 1: But everyone hates her…she's like Dawn in you know, Season 6, when she...
Writer 2: Enough with the Buffy!
Writer 3: Even I hate Gwen. I joined the “Gwen must die” groups on Facebook and MySpace. You know, we have 5 million members in the UK alone. Our line of "Gwen must die" t-shirts is selling really well to antipodean tourists passing through Cardiff on their way to anywhere else in Britain.
Writer 2: I’m sorry, but the word from our lord and master on this subject is crystal clear. Design whatever hideous fates we wish for the others, and Lord knows I’m considering killing off Tosh, but we have to keep Gwen. You know RTD’s policy on fans. If Whovians have to put up with the trash he served up for the Series 4 finale of Doctor Who, Torchwood fans can tolerate Gwen.
Writer 3: Well, I have to agree with you on Tosh. An intelligent woman? As if I can cope with that? I think we should just put her in tight shirts and have a lesbian....oh hang on, we already did that. So, Gwen huh? Well, if we can't ditch her, what do we do?
Writer 2: We force them to like her. RTD says all his fans are stupid anyway. If we repeatedly tell them she’s fantastic maybe they’ll start to believe it.
Writer 3: Tell 'em she's great enough times and they'll buy it? Maybe our fans are stupid but they're not that stupid. But if that's our only recourse? Ok, it's a plan.
Writer 2: I'll start writing a couple of intense interpersonal scenes where people inexplicably talk of their love for Gwen.
Writer 3: *sigh* I guess I'll start printing the "we love Gwen" t-shirts but I hope you realise we’ll have to pay people to wear them.
Writer 1: Does this mean I can’t just rewrite Buffy episodes anymore?
Writer 2: No!
Writer 2: However, I have recently recruited James Marsters...

Meanwhile over on Torchwood 1918, Harriet has been returned sans memories from her encounter with the mysterious aliens and while she officiously continues to reject Tommy’s attempts to take care of her and Gerald is off on one of his wild alien chases, she discovers a group of alien abductees who claim to recognise her from their own time in the aliens' ship...

...dun this dun is tense dun says the music, they’re dun going dun into danger dun. Rhys slooowly drives into the warehouse, where there’s now apparently a gate where no gate was before. “Tension” in the back as Jack gives out orders. Rhys, who in this episode has been by far the most competent member of the team, sends one of the guys on the loading docks off to get his boss’ signature and the other one off to get him a cup of tea so our “fearless heroes” can make their way into their warehouse...of death...

Gwen and Jack find their way into the heart of the warehouse...of death...where they stand blankly in front of a green screen trying to emote to a giant CGI lump of moaning flesh. And there’s still no plan for actually getting that thing out and moving it. I’m just saying.

We get some absolutely disgusting scenes of them hacking up the poor bloody creature alive, which is enough for me to declare vegetarianism before Jack, being reflected in a gigantic CGI eye that looks about as realistic as a Doctor Who special effect from 1974, says, “imprisoned, chained and drugged; welcome to planet Earth”, thereby making him this week’s recipient of the “Recapper Hypocrisy Award” taking it off perennial winner, Gwen.

The creature moans and opens its eyes and Tosh becomes this week’s winner of the “Recapper Stupidest Comment Award” for the line, “it heard you, it’s sentient” when all it demonstrated was acknowledgment of a sound in its audible range.

And then, and I’m not joking, having infiltrated the warehouse and found the creature but lacking any actual plan for getting it out, they run around a bit until someone sees them and captures Rhys and Ianto. No, that’s pretty well it. That’s the next 10 minutes of the show.

Then the bad guys lock them into the warehouse...of death...and come out with Rhys and Ianto tied up. “Mwahahaha,” says ‘evil henchman 1’. “But this is ethically questionable,” says ‘slightly-less evil henchman 2’. “You’ll never get away with this” says Rhys.

Oh what, you want the real dialogue? Really? But that’s pretty well the gist of it. Honestly. Ok, Dale reckons they want to grab the “Cash Cow” for themselves, Rhys says they’re out of their depth and Dale yells “show yourselves or I shoot the delivery boy”. And of course Gwen leaps out and claims they’ve got all of them now but ‘evil henchman number whatever’ sees Jack and Tosh and so the great and powerful Torchwood, the most famous secret organisation ever, has been captured by some two-bit money-grubbing losers with tranq guns. Well done guys, I think this was your most ineffectual foray ever. No, even more incompetent than Countrycide.

“It’s an alien,” says Jack and for some reason ‘slightly-less evil henchman 2’ is all like, “no, it can’t be!” as though hacking up a terrestrial organism while it’s still alive is acceptable but it’s not if it’s an alien???

Alien manatee moans and Ianto works at his bonds and Dale yells “It’s just meat, that’s all” (Tonight on Torchwood: eating alien meat is wrong so become a vegetarian but only if you live in Cardiff; otherwise it’s perfectly ok). Jack yells, “you’re carving up a sentient creature and you’re got to stop!”

And then I think Dale said “And then what have I got? I'm making money here! This is my business. For the first time in my life, I've actually got something for myself!” but I was ducking out of the way of an anvil at the time. You know what’s stupid? Blaming the corporations. If you don’t like the way your food is being treated before death, don’t buy it.

Gwen’s all “Dale, stop, you can still walk away from this” and Dale says, “no, you’re lying to me” and swings his gun around and Rhys yells “no” and steps in front of Gwen and takes the bullet instaed and...NO RHYS, NOOOOOOO!!! What are you doing? She nearly got a bullet for God’s sake!! Excuse me; I just need a moment alone. No not long; just a moment to cope with the crushing disappointment. How cruel to give us that momentary spark of fleeting hope and then to shatter it so heartlessly.

Someone else yells, “no” and Ianto grabs the gun and shots are fired and Ianto beats the crap out of Dale and...the manatee with no legs is escaping?? What? How did that happen? and...no, Dale has the advantage over Ianto and yells, “die” but there’re no bullets left in the gun so Dale legs it out of the warehouse...of death...as Jack yells to Owen to get a sedative because mixing things up at the last minute is Owen’s main job (at least in this episode it isn’t someone’s blood) and Gwen’s all “no Rhys, don’t die” and...

...you get the point. There’s some really dumb line where “slightly-less evil henchman 2” runs in and tells Owen that sedatives won’t work on the alien dugong now it’s free, which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever but hell, what ever does in this world, right? Thankfully Ianto electrocutes him. Then Ianto electrocutes a lot of people and I try desperately not to think it’s totally hot. *sigh* just me and 500,000 other women then, hey? It’s nice to be original.

Owen runs into the warehouse...of death... and OMG that CGI sea cow looks RIDICULOUS. I mean it’s wailing and moving its head around but it very obviously can’t move and unless the warehouse has only one door how precisely are they trapped? So Owen jabs it with a bit syringe filled with something and it’s dead. Poor dead fake alien manatee. Owen’s upset. Tosh comforts him. Creature closes its eyes.

"Autopsy room of Clostridium perfringens": an injured Rhys is lying on a table that recently had raw alien meat on it and hasn’t been cleaned yet. Can you say sepsis? Blah blah, Rhys in pain, bad guy’s retconned, creature incinerated, Gwen’s all happy he’s alive and blah blah blah. You screwed around on him, hon. You’re a liar and completely faithless and no one believes you.

I really meant it about the sober. Next time I promise to drink.

Scene the nearly final: Jack says Rhys needs to be retconned, Gwen takes the pill but can’t do it. And they actually have this conversation:

RHYS: Look around us. Nobody else knows what we've been through. Or what else is out there. The sky won't be the same to me anymore. I used to look up and think, “Ah, looks like rain, man.” But now, oh, now I'll... I'll look and I'll think of all the other worlds and the planets and stuff spinning around out there. Oh! And I got to be a part of it all! Fantastic! Which puts worrying about unsigned dockets into perspective, I can tell you.

RANDOM PASSERBY: Except for all those invasions over the last two years, mate. How stupid are you? Oh hi, Gwen. I read the article you wrote in Torchwood magazine. If I renew my subscription by the end of the month can I get my free Torchwood bottle opener?

Scene the final: Gwen tells Jack she’s not going to retcon Rhys. Jack says ok. The end.

SciFi’s new SciFi show pale but enjoyable

Developed from 8 webisodes, Amanda Tapping’s new show, Sanctuary, has just started on the sci-fi channel in the US. Both the webisodes, and the new series, are distinguished by being almost completely green-screened. While the webisodes were filmed almost as a stream of consciousness narrative with each episode blending into the next, the concept has been refined into the more familiar 42-minute television episode and has both lost and gained from the experience.

Sanctuary’s appeal is in its familiarity but in that familiarity is its greatest flaw. From its “big bad” cabal to its “freak of the week” standalones, quite simply, we’ve seen all the elements of this show before. In the secret organisation locked in their underground base investigating monsters (the truth, as they say, is out there). In the brilliant, logical female scientist, the emotional and intuitive male sidekick, the post-pubescent leather-clad woman warrior and the geeky, wise-cracking tech we have characters, once original, that are now clichéd. If its characterisation is Buffy meets the X Files meets every show these icons have inspired, its look is surreal comic book; the X Men meets Dark City. Nothing is there for us to point and say, this is Sanctuary.

Personally, I found the show pale but coherent. Amanda Tapping is as appealing as ever, although that accent is truly dreadful and Magnus somewhat one-dimensional. I can understand her wanting to throw off the shackles of the more emotional Samantha Carter but for us to warm to Magnus she needs some depth. Ms Tapping should just accept that she is the best crier on television and play to her strengths. In the other main roles, Robin Dunne's Will Zimmerman is at present a poor man’s Daniel Jackson with none of that character’s ethical heart, and Emilie Ullerup is merely going through the motions of the ass-kicking Ashley.

However, this is not to suggest that the show or its characters is unappealing. On the contrary, there is something compelling about the format despite the predictability of the scenario. If it can cast off the shackles of its progenitors and forge its own identity, “Torchwood Vancouver” as it has been dubbed by Television Without Pity will be worth tuning into each week, even if it’s never going to break any moulds.